We close on our first house in a few hours. In a lot of ways, it feels similar to getting engaged; the anxiety, the excitement, the wondering if workers in Africa died for your purchase. The hard-to-shake belief that you’ll be hit by a bus since you’re convinced you will die right before a big, happy moment.

It’s important for me to remember that, like engagement and marriage, millions of other dopes have bought a house too, so you’re not special, and you can manage.

Unlike a spouse, if I decide I don’t really like the house, I can always rent it out. Another important difference is if something goes wrong with the house, I can try hitting it with a wrench.

It’s a big commitment, but I think it’s worth it until we’re finally crushed by our corporate-owned government and everyone ends up broke. See y’all at bankruptcy court.

johnfreiler:

Back in 2012, my friend Joe Nicolosi and I collaborated on a short film called “Hell No.” The premise of this fake movie trailer-style short was that we’d present a number of well-known horror tropes, and then have the characters react in smart, reasonable ways, instead of having them make the…

Hell House Employee Memo

From: Rob Remington, Director

Attn: All Tulsa House Employees 

All,

With the Halloween season upon us, it’s time to make sure everything is in tip top shape for this year’s “Hell House.” Here are a few issues noted during the practice run throughs. 

1. All medical staff actors in the abortion clinic scene: really make sure you show off the body parts. Hold them up high if you have to. Stacy, your last words are now going to be “I regret this abortion!” Then you bleed out. 

2. Ryan, you’re doing great in the suicide scene. Briana and James, after you find your “son’s” body, make sure you really damn the heavy metal albums that drove him to it. Keep in mind those are real heavy metal albums you’re using as props, so don’t hold them for too long or make eye contact with the cover art.

3.  Pastor Tim had a lot to say about the authenticity of the homosexual bar scene. Please see him for detailed notes. Bobby, he was especially interested in discussing your character of the “leather clad daddy.”

4. Jayson, your President Obama is really spot on. And scary! Sometimes I think you’re really a secret Muslim! LOL, that is a JOKE.

However, we were told by people it’s probably not okay for him to be played by a white man in brown greasepaint. So we may ask Tulsa First African Methodist if they have anyone they can recommend. Sorry, Jay.

5. The Mike’s Hard Lemonade is a PROP people. We noticed two went missing. Please do not succumb to temptation again. Other than that, the Dangers of Illicit Drugs section is fine.

6. Remember, Cyrus, the real reason the cops shoot you is you’re a masturbator.

All in all, I think this is going to be our best year yet! Do it for Jesus, and remember, you all WILL change lives! Except Greg H. Greg, we know you took the pornography from the children’s library mockup in “Atheists’ America.” You’re fired.

Have a blessed day,

Rob 

If weather.com offers you Kool Aid, say no.

If weather.com offers you Kool Aid, say no.

At the crazy table, right next to the anti-vaxxers are the anti-fluoride crew.

At the crazy table, right next to the anti-vaxxers are the anti-fluoride crew.

Weather.com takes a stand.

Weather.com takes a stand.

The Eagles Leaving the Tailgate Fight Song

I DUI, on the road from the city. I DUI, from the police I must now flee. Hit a car, hit a guy. My boys just got me high! I DUI, because football’s life to me. E A G L E S VOMIT

I don’t claim to have a solution to the violence in this country. But in every other country in our per capita GDP range, they have a lower crime rate than us and it is correlated with their commitment to income equality, access to quality public healthcare and schooling for everyone, and their lack of handguns.

Sadly, this won’t work here because none of this jibes with the American dream—to be a billionaire with a third-grade education and machine guns for arms. So keep at it America, and maybe one day we can all be dumb Tony Stark.

Every time we go to New England, I seriously think about moving to a small town up there. I imagine the simplicity of life, and the natural calm. I picture the locals not accepting me, calling me city boy and mocking my inability to cope with rural life. Then I enter the annual wood carving contest, and they all have a hearty laugh because I’m expected to be terrible at it. But when contest day rolls around, I end up winning, which changes their minds about me. Then in the days after accepting the locals new-found respect, I burn their houses and farms to the ground, taking their livestock and children as my own, and declare myself God-Emperor of the town. There’s just something appealing about the pace of life up there.

A Report on Gluten

GLUTEN

By Jim Grammond

One of the most thrown around terms in food these days is gluten. But very few people know what gluten is. The purpose of this unbiased report is to educate and inform consumers about gluten, its history, and why it may or may not be right for them.

Gluten is a genetically modified GMO that the food companies put in food to make people sick. An estimated 100% of the population either has a sensitivity or allergy to gluten. Some people, who have a disease known as Celiac, will die upon the sight of gluten.

Common symptoms of gluten sensitivity are a feeling of dread, inability to remember your dreams, difficulty accepting other races, occasional sleepiness before bed time, and death.

Gluten was first designed using science, which makes it bad. It was made in a lab in Nazi, Germany in the year 1939, and was used to poison Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals; although it was believed Jews would have a tolerance to gluten because of their pact with Satan, this is not true. In the late 1950’s, German scientists gave their gluten research to American food scientists, who then began adding gluten to things like bread, rolls, baked goods, and gasoline. Shortly thereafter, President Kennedy was shot when it was discovered he was planning on outing gluten as the main cause of communism.

Over time, gluten found its way into more products, such as soda and vaccines, where it led to the explosion in autism since the 1980s. In 1997, Princess Diana was killed in a car crash caused by her driver’s gluten-induced mania. On September 11, 2001, a link between the gluten found in common Middle Eastern foods and plane crashes was discovered.

The fight against gluten began in earnest in 2005 thanks to Oprah Winfrey’s heroic exposure of its dangers during her State of the Union address. President Winfrey was a surprising opponent of Big Gluten, considering her company, HAARPO, manufactures chemtrails.   

Today, we are fortunate that there are more gluten-free products on the market than ever, at only a fraction of the cost of their gluten-having counterparts; that fraction is 8/3rds. The new Whole Foods in my neighborhood was even made from non-GMO gluten-free bricks. This is good news for anyone who doesn’t want to die because of Monsanto. In closing, gluten is tearing the American family apart.