It's Dumb Bullshit and it's All Mine

I haven’t updated this in a while since I am in a long-term creative lull. When you’re not paid to be a “funny” writer but are paid to write and edit tons of painfully bland copy, this can happen; sometimes the fun one has to suffer for the sake of the one that puts protein shakes on the table. Oh, and I’m working out again. For some reason, working out has always had an adverse affect on my comedy writing. I think it may be because when I am working out and eating properly, I gain self-esteem, and when I have decent self-esteem, I look at comedy writing and performing as kind of frivolous and loser-y. But then I inevitably self-destruct, go back to enjoying regular ice cream socials (by myself) and couch sittin’, and find some humor in the stupid world. 

My main goal right now other than the live shows I am involved in is to finish my novel that I started in November (I think) about bikers, violence, dragons, chefs, Iceland, and violence. It’s completely silly (but violent), and I have started back up with it in the hopes of finishing it by the end of summer and making it available on Amazon.com for like $2.99. But as far as Twitter and Tumblr shit goes, the frequency and especially quality of my posts will probably stay pretty low for a while. Sorry to my fan out there. 

With Tech Bubble II on the way, I need to capitalize on it. I have a game concept a la Words with Friends, but it requires phones to be able to analyze, replicate, and send smells. It’s called Fart Battle.

Game of Thrones

I watched the whole first season and first two episodes of season two this weekend, so now in my nerd brain I am daydreaming of living in the Game of Thrones world. To express myself, I have written some fan fiction that involves these daydreams. I’d like to share it.

Sir Jim of the Hammerlands had sex with all the prostitutes of Westeros. The end.

Amazing that people still invoke the film Super Size Me and the book Fast Food Nation to argue the lack of healthfulness of McDonald’s food, but eating McDonald’s food is fine as long as you eat nothing but Activia and cabbage for a month leading up to the trip to McDonald’s, fortify yourself with Vitamin C and zinc tablets for three days before going, chew the McDonalds’ food and spit it out into a bucket instead of ingesting it, rinse your mouth for 45 minutes with a concoction of Listerine and an anti-fungal cream following your dining experience, and finally stuff your pockets full of potpourri to cover any residual odors. It’s a fucking personal matter, and as long as you eat repsonsibly, McDonald’s is just fine. 

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I keep trying to tell my wife that since she’s a half-Asian (Korean and white), she is sitting on a gold mine of comedy treasure, as evidenced by the recent success of Jo Koy. She’s a funny person, but she doesn’t like to perform, write, or do anything. So her issues with this comedy plan are 1. she doesn’t want to perform, write, or do anything as I just said and 2. she also says she wouldn’t want to do half-Asian jokes even if she did perform because they’re so hacky. My counterpoint is 1. money and 2. money.

So I wrote a short set for her to try out; she still said “NO!” Since she’s so against performing comedy and I don’t have anyone to sell this to, I’m just going to share the set here for everyone to see:

Hey everyone, good to see you here. Well, sort of see you. I’m squinty in the one eye since I’m HALF-ASIAN. How many people are even here? About 1,000? Wow, that’s like, a lot I guess. I’m not that good with numbers since I’m only HALF Asian and I’m a woman. Double whammy! Or double gong, maybe? Man, you should see me drive! Although compared to a full Asian woman, I’m Mario Andretti! Sure, driving over here I got into three accidents, but none of them were too bad. If I were full Asian they probably would’ve all resulted in deaths! 

Yeah, so my mom’s Korean, and my dad’s white. My dad got me a dog for my 5th birthday and then my mom ate it! No, I’m kidding; it was my 7th birthday. Seriously though, my mom never ate a dog. Although that didn’t stop the neighbors from making our house the first stop whenever their dog was missing. “Hey, have you guys seen Spot? Mind if we search your trash for his bones? Oh, never mind, he was just in the yard next door.” Jeez, so racist, right? If anything, she probably would’ve ran the dog over. 

If I were full Asian I’d probably be really good at the violin, but since I’m a HALF-ASIAN I can only play the ukulele. That’s okay though. I taught myself the ukulele. I would’ve had to drive to violin lessons, or even worse, have my mother drive there! We would’ve killed a lot of pedestrians! At least I could’ve played the violin for them as they struggled to remain alive!

Since I don’t really look white or Asian, Asian restaurants don’t know whether to bring me chopsticks or a fork. So I tell them “Just bring me a knife” and they say “Ohhh, you’re Puerto Rican!” I say “Yeah, so be careful or I might steal the hubcaps off the car you can’t drive very well!”

Guys ask me “Hey, since you’re part Asian and part white, is your vagina diagonal?” I say “Of course it is, just like since you’re 100% asshole, your penis is a piece of shit!” Speaking of diagonal, you should see me try to parallel park! Diagonal’s about the best I can hope for.

So, I’d like to leave you with this. Remember, it’s not cool to pick on people for being different than you. When it comes down to it, we all bleed the same color. And believe me, I’ve seen a lot of blood, because of all the car accidents caused by my mom’s awful driving! Good thing I’m only HALF ASIAN; most of my victims only end up with mild concussions. GOOD NIGHT GRAND FORKS!

First Annual Yahoo! News Commenter Meet Up!

Hello! And welcmoe to the first ever Yahoo! News Commenter Meet Up at the beautiful Holiday Inn Downtown St. Louis. In this welcome guide you’ll find a listing of events, a map and guide to local attractions and instruction on how to keep safe. Have fun this weekend and remember what your here for: to learn and have fun with your pears! 

SPEAKERS AND EVENTS

FRIDAY 3/30

7 PM: Official Yahoo! Commenter Meet Up welcome speech from NObama64, organizer of this event and top thumbs up getter in the comments threads for the April 2011 article “Obama Produces Birth Certificate, But Questions Among Tea Party Linger” and the more recent op/ed piece “Trayvon Martin’s Tragedy and Race in America”. He will also read from his new self-published book Our Nation’s Shame: America’s Urban Jungles. 

8 PM: Cocktails in The Dream Lounge, with music by long-time Yahoo! commenter USMCDog and the stylings of his blues-rock band Georgia Proud. 

10 PM: Late Night Commenter Comedy Contest! The first 15 people to sign up will each get 5 minutes to make the crowd howl! (PLEASE: No profanity or “racial slurs”, as per request of the hotel lounge staff. HOWEVER: Check with contest organizer SouthernElle if you want your comedy routine to contain “questionable” language so she can determine if the spefic words will be allowed. We want to respect the hotel staff, but they also need to respect our Constitutional right to free speech. The “n-word” is NON NEGOTIABLE.)

SATURDAY 3/31

9 AM: Breakfast in the Bradford Room. GoldwaterGuy has teamed with the hotel chef to produce a special Yahoo! commenter themed menu! Come for the Say No to Socialism Sizzlin’ Bacon Cups, Eggs Obama is a Benedict Arnold, and Gold Standard Griddlecakes; stay for the conversation. 

10:30 AM: Seminar: WHO’S TO BLAME? NOT US! by ProfessorPatriot 

America is a nation under siege. Our southern border is as porous as a Chinese made raincoat, and these people we’ve graciously let live here for generations don’t even appreciate the generous welfare they receive; welfare paid for by our tax dollars. ProfessorPatriot will discuss tactics and strategies for how to deal with this major American crisis, including: best message boards and sites (other than Yahoo!) on which to comment, newspapers with open comment sections on their websites and how to move the discussion to another section when they close them, Facebook status updating tips, and how we’re being discriminated against in every single facet of life.

Noon: LUNCH

1 PM: Seminar: Why is It Only a Hate Crime if the Victim is a Minority or a Gay? by TkeBckAmerca

Every day in this country, decent, hard working, straight people of noncolor are attacked, robbed, beaten, and even killed by people of color or gay. Yet these perpetrators are not charged with racial or sexual-oriented motives; a.k.a., hate crimes. What action can we take to change this? Is America destined to become completely unsafe for the decedents of its first residents: the English, Swedish, and Scottish? It’s time to take a stand on the Internet and make our proud American voices heard.

2 PM: Presentation: GOLD: You AUght to buy it!  

Our friends at usafreedomgold.com, inclduing celebrity spokesman G. Gordon Liddy, will take the floor for a half an hour to present to you reasons for using their services to buy and sell gold and other precious metals. As heard on Glenn Beck and The Mighty Righty Hour! (Note: usafreedomgold.com is NOT affiliated with the recently fined for defrauding its clients usafreedomgold.net any longer).

2:30 PM: Cigarette break; cigarettes provided by our friends at Doral. 

2:45 PM: Group Activity: Civil War II: A Thought Experiment

The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton has just won the presidential election. Upset by what will be another four years of socialist, anti-Christian, anti-straight white policies, American patriots decide it is time to take back their beloved country by destroying its government. The main purpose of this roleplay will be brainstorming ways to organize our troops, ways to prepare and stockpile food and water, and alternate sources for vital Internet connectivity when the American telecom infrastructure is damaged. As a bonus, SgtPredator will share tips on where to aim when shooting at a variety of different minorities for maximum effect based on their unique anatomies and physiologies. 

5:00 PM: Music: Why isn’t it good anymore? with Doris1956

A look at music and other forms of pop culture such as literature, movies, and TV, all of which have been in a state of decline since 1956. 

6:00 PM: DINNER, with special guest speaker DanTheMan21, who will be reading his essays “The Parable of those People Who Have Kids To Get More Welfare”, “Why is their no WET or NAAWP?”, and “Typical”. 

7:00 PM: Maximum Prayer: The Power to Change the World

Pastor Gil Thomason from CalvaryLutheranChurch.org will guide us through the various ways to pray for victims of tragedies and the best ways to inform others on the Internet that we are doing so. Pastor Gil will also host a Q&A; however, questions about his “I’d rather watch a German Shepard maul and eat my toddler than see two men kiss” comment on his recent appearance on FoxNews will not be accepted.

9:30 PM: Last Night Dance Party in the Radford Ballroom. Dancin’ to the oldies. All your classic favs with DJ LowTax and none of that rap crap! 

SUNDAY 4/1 

10 AM: April Fools Mass: Everyone loves a good joke, but there’s no foolin’ the Lord! Join us as we pray for President Obama’s demise. 

11 AM: Checkout. Have a safe trip home! And remember, 

MAP: Please see back of program for St. Louis map and attractions. Areas where you should not go unless armed are “blacked” out for your safety.  

I probably should’ve gone to DC this weekend to meet my favorite skeptic before he dies because there’s either no afterlife for us to meet up in or the one we’re going to has a lot of torture that’ll be getting in the way of us having a conversation.

My Eight Saddest Birthdays

1. 1988, my 10th birthday. Ruined by a chimpanzee at the zoo who threw poo at me, then later mocked me for wearing shoes from Payless, probably. 

2. 1984, my 6th birthday. Horrible case of the night shits. 

3. 2002, my 24th birthday. Requested Courtney Love and Ted Nugent reenact the time she blew him when she was 12 for my birthday. Would’ve staged it in the giant heart at the Franklin Institute. I never heard back from either of their managers. 

4. 1994, my 16th birthday. Asked for a new car to celebrate turning 16. Did not receive one as I did not even have a learner’s permit. Was forced to give up vanity plate “MTLLCA”.

5. 1990, my 12th birthday. Inspired by my love of the band Rush, held a birthday seance in an attempt to summon the spirit of radio. Failed.

6. 2007, my 29th birthday. I asked my wife if we could do birthday anal, but she refused to wear the strap on. 

7. 1986, my 8th birthday. Wrote to Ronald Reagan asking him for an autographed photo saying “Happy birthday, Jim!”. I received one instead that said “We will defeat the reds. Today you are a man. Happy Bar Mitzvah, Jeremy.” 

8. 1985, my 7th birthday. A man who resembled an old me and claimed to be from the future showed up at my party at Circus Towne in Upper Darby, PA and gave me seven manuscripts he said were for a future book series revolving around a character called Harry Potter. He said if I claimed them as my own and found a publisher I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams. My dad read a few pages, regarded them as trash then threw them away, and forced me to read John Updike when we got home.

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Went in to Dunkin’ Donuts to see about an iced coffee. Small iced coffee was priced about 80 cents more than a small hot coffee. This is what went down:

Excuse me, why is the iced coffee more money for the same size?
Cup is bigger.
Yeah, but you just fill it with ice. It’s just as much coffee as in the small. 
But the coffee is stronger.
So? Most of that extra 80 cents goes toward ice, right?
Yes. 
I’m not paying 80 cents for frozen tap water.
Is not tap, is filter. 
Oh, okay. I’m still not buying one. Have a good day.

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Saturday afternoon, as my wife and I were walking down Pine Street on our mission to purchase milkshakes at Philly Flavors (MISSION ACCOMPLISHED), a school bus half-full of emerald clad 20-something’s (both their average age and total number of DUI’s among them) came to a stop at a red light with its drunken precious cargo of sluts, dullards, and dipshits yelling out the windows. They yelled a few comments that I heard clearly: a “fat” comment yelled at a woman on the sidewalk; a “look at these fucking people” in the direction of some goth-ish looking kids who were behind us. Or maybe it was directed at me and my wife; after all, I was wearing mesh shorts in public. They were generally harassing neighborhood people on a lovely day.

Soon, the scum sled was off, and I didn’t even get the chance to yell “You’re a bunch of fucking grown-ups on a school bus; be less conspicuous.” Oh well. Actually, given the time and the ability to fight every drunk who would’ve come off the bus to take a swing at me, here’s what else I would’ve yelled at them:

“Nice green top hat; you look like Abraham Lincoln, if Abraham Lincoln sold shitty pot to 14-year old girls on the Wildwood boardwalk. Not one of you is going to get what passes for a decent erection tonight! Not one! Your livers look like a giant lump of wet dog food! Show of hands how many of you have groped someone while they were pissing by a dumpster. Come on, raise your hands, all of you. Go shout fucking insults out the window while stopped at 22nd and Indiana, I dare you. Ladies, I want to see none of you in a thong, and I want to see all women in a thong. Did you guys get a buy one get 20 free on green Chase Utley t-shirts? Don’t tell me your boyfriend’s going to kick my ass! He probably can because he’s 10 years younger than me and hauls stuff up onto a roof all day. Too bad he lost his baseball scholarship due to his ‘bum knee’, which is interesting slang for ‘date rape trial’. No, seriously tough guy, stay in the bus, I wouldn’t want you to hurt your ‘date rape trial’ jumping out of the emergency exit. Oh, slang doesn’t work both ways you say? Fuck off. I hope you all get the beer shits, but out of your mouths. Eat me!”

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Using “go kill yourself” or “you should die” or any variation thereof as a punchline is completely overdone at this point. I admit I’m guilty of using these from time to time in conversation, although I’m careful to never use it in tweets or stand-up. I understand why people do look to them as a crutch; sometimes you just can’t think of a more creative way to get your feelings across. Well, I’m here to help. Here are some alternatives to use in case you find your sensibilities poisoned because someone did something you think is stupid. For example: 

“I wish those Kardashian sisters would_________”

a. Kill themselves. 

Won’t happen; they have so much to live for. So maybe try something like:

b. Die in a car accident.

Still too easy. Let’s see if we can do better. How about:

c. Unknowingly get giant veiny dicks tattooed on their foreheads after being roofied at Kat Von D’s annual charity wiffle ball game. 

Okay, so moving on:

“People who drive slow in the fast lane should _____”

a. Die in a fire.

b. Kill themselves.

OR

c. Make like a whore and warm that rubber up. 

“Everyone waiting on line overnight for a new iPad should _______”

a. Kill themselves.

b. Die in a building collapse.

OR

c. Fuck in public so I can watch. 

“People who are voting for Rick Santorum in these primaries can _____”

a. Go kill themselves.

b. Die.

OR

c. not read.

“If you own Shasta McNasty on DVD, you should _______”

a. Kill yourself.

b. Be forcibly sterilized. 

OR

c. Burn me a copy. We gettin’ McNASTY tonight.

“If you bought Limp Bizkit’s latest album, please ______”

a. Die.

b. Jump off a bridge 

OR

c. Watch your carpenter jorts; they can snag easy when you’re working on your Pontiac Grand Prix.