Jim: Everyone, this is award-winning hip-hop artist Macklemore. He claims he didn’t have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, so I invited him to spend the day with our family. I hope you don’t mind.
Macklemore: Nah, I don’t mind.
Jim: I was talking to my parents, Macklmore.
There were a lot of women at the High on Fire/Kvelertak show last night who had haircuts like East German sprinters and kept throwing stuff at people. Whatever subculture this is, it came from a place where boners die.
There’s a saying “You can tell a lot about a society by the way they treat their animals”, but Nazi Germany was really into animal rights. So the saying needs to be amended to “You can tell a lot about a society by the way it treats its animals and Jews.”
I won’t be able to keep my current health insurance in 2014. Instead, I have to either switch to a lesser plan that costs almost the same or spend considerably more to retain my current level of coverage. I don’t blame Obama though; my employer pretty obviously took Obamacare as an opportunity to scale back their contribution to employee health coverage. Hopefully, our CEO’s back-up jet gets its much needed reupholstering or whatever the fuck they’re going to spend the savings on. Here’s a look at what I’ll be sacrificing by switching to the lesser plan:
1. Instead of your primary care physician, you get you former doctor’s dog.
2. Specialist visits now require a referral, and getting the referral requires hand service.
3. ER visits cost the same, but you no longer get a fucking lollipop for being a big boy.
4. You get a list of in-network hospitals to choose from, but all of them are in Latvia.
5. Medical emergency? Watch this complimentary DVD of Grey’s Anatomy season 5 and figure it the hell out.
Sugar substitutes, with the exception of Stevia, are all showing huge drops in sales. Here is a thing comparing Abrahamic religions and their offshoots to no-calorie sweeteners.
Catholicism is Equal. Older, and falling out of favor. The government has deemed it safe, but many people say it has harmed them. People use it because their parents did but don’t really think about why. Also has a pedophilia problem.
Protestantism is Splenda. A relative late comer, and is used more among the young that the others. Is commonly consumed by the obese even though it won’t help. Doesn’t break down at high temperatures, so it’s perfect for hot cross buns. Turns out liberal use of it is much, much better than conservative use of it. You can find it in Utah, but the products it’s in are very different. Thinks Equal is going to Hell.
ISLAM is Stevia. The newcomer to the party. No one in America really knows where it comes from or how it exists, but it’s quickly gaining popularity worldwide. People are afraid of it being snuck in everywhere through a secret agenda. May cause stomach upset and explosiveness.
JUDAISM is Sweet n’ Low. The originator. Fading, but still in use. More popular among the elderly and people who send back food a lot in delis and diners. Unfortunately, may cause death if mixed with Stevia or older versions of Equal.
Meet the Man Who Eats Only Velveeta
Piece of Shirt: Inside a North Korean Flannel Mine
Interview with the Five Year Old Drug Lord of a Kazakh Daycare
Can Dolphins Use Sex Toys?
Albert Einstein’s Secret Drag Racing Addiction
World’s Shittiest Automobile: Meet the Car That Runs on Diarrhea
The Search for Vegan S&M Gear
Adult Potty Training Former Somali Pirates
The receptionist was fired
And you were given all her duties
One of which is apparently
Watching Internet clips of girls shakin’ their booties
Your job is ostensibly to keep us secure
Which you do about as well as a bodyguard for Tupac Shakur
You spend seven hours a day on the phone gabbing
Meanwhile, Debbie in accounting is dead from a stabbing
Her crazed ex busted in, you weren’t there to warn
Because you were busy making your daily ninth bag of microwave popcorn
Okay, I made that stabbing up, but soon that could happen
Because your idea of a 10-minute break is an hour of nappin’
I say “Good morning!”, you barely reply with a grunt
When it comes to security people, you’re the biggest cu
Every time a video game comes out and sells millions of copies, most recently Grand Theft Auto V (that’s a Roman five; it’s not about reptilian aliens), the media runs these “Are movies doomed because of video games?” articles. And I’m inclined to think yes, movies are doomed.
For one, you can tell a much richer, more detailed story with today’s video game technology than in a movie, and GTA V is a great example of that. How many prostitutes can be punched in a movie before it’s too many? One? Two? Grand Theft Auto makes it possible to practice violence toward women on a scale that would make an Afghan warlord jealous. Enjoy yourself as you do things repeatedly that you’ve only seen done to Jodie Foster characters.
I can’t change the radio station when the action hero is in the car in a film. You know what makes a good chase scene? Some Mahler followed up with some Dio followed by a guy from Black Flag doing DJ banter. Movies never do that, but I take risks.
The most cars I’ve seen stolen in a movie is like 11. In GTA V you can do that in 38 seconds and you can beat people in the face as you do it. Movies can’t compete with landing satisfying punch/kick combos on innocent drivers. And I’ve seen Drive, it was shit, although I did buy seven of those scorpion jackets.
People who, 10, even 50 or 350 or 351 years ago would’ve made movies may now be inclined to go into the video game industry to tell their stories. I mean, if you crafted in your head a really great scene about stealing a speedboat wearing a clown suit while high on crank and ramping it into a Russian mobster’s apartment to kill him and his naked prostitutes, isn’t that better served in a video game, where at least points can be awarded for causing maximum damage and deaths? Does any one keep points in movies? There’s an idea, Hollywood.
Films lack repetition. Whenever the good guy pulls off an amazing stunt, we only see the take that actually made in into the film and it’s over in seconds. In a video game, you get to try a difficult stunt 75 times over the course of several hours as you ignore your family. That’s way more satisfying. So maybe they should show all the failed takes in a movie scene, especially if a stuntman broke a bone in a gory fashion, like his ankle busted through his skin. People love that, and video games haven’t gotten bone eruption quite right yet, although I hear it’s a top priority for E3 next year.
Films lack repetition. And they’re boring. I can’t sit there for two hours and not interact with what’s on the screen. Unless it’s the stage in Grand Theft Auto where you sit still in a theater for two hours watching a movie in the game. That’s pretty awesome.
In closing, I do enjoy watching some movies. Mostly on YouTube of people playing Grand Theft Auto V. So maybe put that on the big screen, like when theaters have those concert simulcasts that only weird guys who smell like old coffee go to. You could probably make 10% of what GTA V did in its first week. Best of luck, Hollywood. CALL ME.
As an atheist, Ariel Castro’s suicide is bittersweet. Although it blows he now won’t face proper punishment since there’s zero proof that there’s a Hell, on the plus side I just found yet another way to shoehorn atheism into a conversation.
Here’s the email I sent to the dummy who wrote it:
Let me start off by saying I’m a big fan; not of you, but of Jay Z. Couple of things I also want to say up front to let you know about me: 1. I’m white. So very white. and 2. I think it’s RIDICULOUS that Riley Cooper had to go to sensitivity training. Way overboard for what he did. Okay, let’s move on.
Your column “Make Jay Z concert an N-word-free zone?” is some of the most racist, grody juice at the bottom of a trashcan-level garbage I’ve read. You’re singling out black acts for their “transgressions”, namely using the N-word and glorifying violence. But let’s look at some of the white acts from the upcoming Welcome America festival, eh?
Queens of the Stone Age (who I admittedly love) have many songs glorifying drug abuse, including a song where the ONLY lyrics are “Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol, C-c-c-c-c-cocaine”. Seriously.
Nine Inch Nails’ most popular song, one that was all over the radio and MTV, talks about wanting to fuck women like animals. Plus they’re super popular among drug users and unsavory types who dress like they think they’re in The Matrix. Additionally, one of the most violent concerts I’ve ever been to was a Nine Inch Nails show, but that was pre-9/11 so everything was different.
Rapper Macklemore was a codeine addict, a drug commonly glorified in rap music. But oh Lordy he’s white!
Deadmau5 (sic) shows are fueled by suburbanites on uppers they bought with daddy’s money so they can enjoy the terrible music.
Calvin Harris is from SCOTLAND. Do you know what those people are like?
Basically, by your logic, all these white artists are making large amounts of money by glorifying illegal drug use and its related culture. I’m actually fine with that, because it’s just their art. Just like Jay Z is using his music as art to express his life and experiences, which include street violence and language that you deem inappropriate. And yet you single out the black rap acts without mentioning any of the white artists. You’re kind of like the people who call Chris Brown a demon for hitting Rihanna but excuse John Lennon for beating Cynthia. Maybe, like Lennon, people will forgive Chris Brown after he marries a horrible performance artist.
What if Jay Z was a celebrated painter who painted gritty street reality he saw in the projects? People getting shot and doing drugs and hitting women; the sad reality. If his paintings were hung in a museum, would you still consider him a bad influence?
And hey, even though I like Queens of the Stone Age and Nine Inch Nails and Jay Z, I don’t do drugs. I don’t fuck women like they’re animals. I don’t make my wife carry a pistol for me. I can separate their art from reality. Why the hell do you assume differently?
Yours in Christ,