I don’t claim to have a solution to the violence in this country. But in every other country in our per capita GDP range, they have a lower crime rate than us and it is correlated with their commitment to income equality, access to quality public healthcare and schooling for everyone, and their lack of handguns.

Sadly, this won’t work here because none of this jibes with the American dream—to be a billionaire with a third-grade education and machine guns for arms. So keep at it America, and maybe one day we can all be dumb Tony Stark.

Every time we go to New England, I seriously think about moving to a small town up there. I imagine the simplicity of life, and the natural calm. I picture the locals not accepting me, calling me city boy and mocking my inability to cope with rural life. Then I enter the annual wood carving contest, and they all have a hearty laugh because I’m expected to be terrible at it. But when contest day rolls around, I end up winning, which changes their minds about me. Then in the days after accepting the locals new-found respect, I burn their houses and farms to the ground, taking their livestock and children as my own, and declare myself God-Emperor of the town. There’s just something appealing about the pace of life up there.

A Report on Gluten

GLUTEN

By Jim Grammond

One of the most thrown around terms in food these days is gluten. But very few people know what gluten is. The purpose of this unbiased report is to educate and inform consumers about gluten, its history, and why it may or may not be right for them.

Gluten is a genetically modified GMO that the food companies put in food to make people sick. An estimated 100% of the population either has a sensitivity or allergy to gluten. Some people, who have a disease known as Celiac, will die upon the sight of gluten.

Common symptoms of gluten sensitivity are a feeling of dread, inability to remember your dreams, difficulty accepting other races, occasional sleepiness before bed time, and death.

Gluten was first designed using science, which makes it bad. It was made in a lab in Nazi, Germany in the year 1939, and was used to poison Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals; although it was believed Jews would have a tolerance to gluten because of their pact with Satan, this is not true. In the late 1950’s, German scientists gave their gluten research to American food scientists, who then began adding gluten to things like bread, rolls, baked goods, and gasoline. Shortly thereafter, President Kennedy was shot when it was discovered he was planning on outing gluten as the main cause of communism.

Over time, gluten found its way into more products, such as soda and vaccines, where it led to the explosion in autism since the 1980s. In 1997, Princess Diana was killed in a car crash caused by her driver’s gluten-induced mania. On September 11, 2001, a link between the gluten found in common Middle Eastern foods and plane crashes was discovered.

The fight against gluten began in earnest in 2005 thanks to Oprah Winfrey’s heroic exposure of its dangers during her State of the Union address. President Winfrey was a surprising opponent of Big Gluten, considering her company, HAARPO, manufactures chemtrails.   

Today, we are fortunate that there are more gluten-free products on the market than ever, at only a fraction of the cost of their gluten-having counterparts; that fraction is 8/3rds. The new Whole Foods in my neighborhood was even made from non-GMO gluten-free bricks. This is good news for anyone who doesn’t want to die because of Monsanto. In closing, gluten is tearing the American family apart.

10 Deadly Household Items for Kittens

Keep your playful, tiny friends safe! Watch out for the following hazards:

1. Kitten Mangler™

2. Kitten poison

3. Oven with a cat door

4. Electrified water bowl

5. Quicksand litter box

6. Paw-operated food processor 

7. Tuna flavored electrical sockets 

8. Armored vacuum cleaner 

9. Crumpled up paper with explosives in it

10. Leaving your coke out

10 Reasons Why Everyone Should Live In Philly At Least Once (but not from a Corporate Marketing Account)

This stupid BuzzFeed list is making the rounds, and I don’t think people realize or care that it’s a marketing ploy from Japanese clothing retailer Uniqlo, who are opening a Philly store in the fall. I am actually super psyched for the store, because I like their clothes and have been to their stores in NJ and NYC, but this BuzzFeed list is just bullshit “hey, we’re locals!” corporate nonsense. Following is a real, native-made list of 10 Reasons Why Everyone Should Live in Philly At Least Once.

1. Because of our suicide-themed frozen yogurt parlor. 

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2. Because we have a mobile insane asylum called the night-owl bus. 

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3. Because every winter, the majestic four-legged patio chair makes its migration back to our streets. 

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 4. Because here, working so hard that you vomit is considered treason. 

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5. Because we have a Chili’s above a strip club. Get the “free app, free clap” special. 

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6. Because no one wants to jerk off alone. 

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7. Because we have an old white people version of Kim Jong Il. 

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8. Because we have Fairmount Park, America’s largest urban park and crust punk preserve. 

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9. Because we have some of the best Italian-American food in the nation. Perhaps you’ve heard of a little place called Maggiano’s? 

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10. Because even though I rag on this trash smelling city constantly, it’s actually pretty great. So come live in Philly, but before you do be sure to ask strangers on the Internet “So which neighborhoods are, you know, ‘less Canadian?’” You’re so sly. 

Tags: philly

Real women have curves, or don’t have curves, but real women have a vagina, or don’t if they were born with male genitals but now identify as female. Man this t-shirt is going to be wordy.

dumbwhiskeyreviews:

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Up front, I’d like to say that this blog, although it may mock whiskey reviews and culture or come off as jokey, is, as Lord Byron said, for realz. I drink whiskey, I take notes, and I fucking love it.

For my first whiskey review, we’re going to take a look at a Scotch—Ledaig 10, a peated…

One time, I got into a heated argument at a party with two drunk girls who insisted that the lyric in Super Bon Bon is “let the van go through,” not “man go though.” They had been singing the song and I strongly corrected them, because like a succubus, ignorance must be fought in all its forms.

This was pre-smartphone days, so I, as the defender of truth, had to get the opinion of someone else. I asked a random guy and he said he was familiar with the song. Sadly, he agreed with the cute drunk girls rather than me, but deep down I think he knew the actual lyric.

I’m sure none of the other people involved in this story would remember it, but as I sit here listening to Super Bon Bon, in the air around my headphones I hear the wind whisper “You won, Jim. You won.”

Anyway, as you can tell, I’d be a great fit for the Microsoft Corporation. My résumé is attached, and I thank you for your consideration. I will follow up in due time.

Sincerely,

James Grammond

Well, like the rest of you, I’ll also share my favorite memory of The Ultimate Warrior.


It was 1988. Ultimate (that’s what I called him, that Warrior shit came along later) and I were on a manhunt deep in the Amazon. Baellsto Gammora, at that time the world’s second biggest dealer of cocaine and counterfeit toilet seats, had fled after we’d raided his secret warehouse, and Ultimate and I were the only ones with enough cajones to enter the jaguar-filled jungle brush to bring the narco-creep to justice. After six days, living on rain water, hallucinogenic mushrooms, and the butchered, raw meat of monkeys we’d befriended under false pretenses, Warrior found a clue: the still warm feces of a human male. He tasted it, and instantly knew it was Gammora. Then he tasted some more, which was odd. Two hours later, Ultimate was cutting Gammora’s beating heart from his chest, devouring it to gain Gammora’s legendary sexual prowess and low cholesterol. He tossed me the aorta and said “Chew.”

Advance Review of Draft Day

Thanks to my contacts in Hollywood (Florida), I got an advanced copy of the upcoming Kevin Costner film Draft Day. Here’s a review!

Ahoy there, football-obsessed chubbos who generally neglect their families while pounding Coors Light and who are looking for a reason to drag their sad wives—wearing their best mom jeans that are one step above going out of the house in a Snuggie—out on a date night to see a movie that shares the thrills of sitting in a room with the excitement of answering phone calls. Sorry I don’t know more about the actual film, friendos; I fell asleep as soon as I hit play just from thinking about how fucking boring it was going to be. In conclusion, your kid is probably gay; deal with it.

Zero stars unless you’re an insomniac needing a cure, then it’s a solid three and a half